A Surprise and Secret Way to Joy

Oh my goodness!

A few days ago, in the Magnificat, the morning prayer intentions were focused on forgiving our enemies.  The way they were worded in the booklet led me to a much deeper prayer.

A few years ago, I was deeply wounded by a friend.  It was like a betrayal by Judas, and that's just how I felt: as if I had been stabbed with a daggar while my back was turned.  It took me months of pain and prayer, and I had already come to a place where I pictured myself, like a state governor, admitting that a criminal was guilty, but pardoning him.  I thought I was finished with the process.


But the way these intercessions were worded in the book -- 

Give peace to those who have destroyed our peace...

Grant love to those who have refused us love...

Protect from injury those who have done us injury...

Grant success to those who have worked to our loss...

Give prosperity to those who have taken what was ours...

Ack!  These words on the page brought back all the feelings of the betrayal and theft, the disillusionment and heartache!


But I decided to pray for the prosperity and success of this man and his fellows who set up the betrayal! 


Frankly, I was surprised, because I thought I was done with it all...but I was still staying away from places where I might see one of them. I certainly wasn't praying for their prosperity or success.  But I absolutely hated having the hurt come up again.  I just don't want to carry any of that any more.
My friend Kay had told me just recently that I needed to go back to the places where I could run into them, so that one of them might have an opportunity to apologize, and I realized that I am still under the situation if I am allowing it to keep me isolated.


So the other morning, I WILLED to pray that way for the people responsible for my pain.  Give them prosperity and success, God.  Grant them protection from the pain of betrayal.  Grant them love.  Grant them peace.


It was a simple act of the will.  BUT I have been like a new person since!  Really!


I have more energy, more enthusiasm about each day!  I have found a deep JOY that I haven't had since the betrayal!!!


And I am FEELING it too.  I mean, only through the grace of God, I am not holding onto the pain or anything.  Through God's grace, I am MEANING it when I pray good for this person!  


Yesterday I had the energy to do a little yard work, bake a double batch of muffins, do errands I had been putting off, and smile all day!


Please, my friends, if those words in the prayers above touched anything in you, DO IT!  Step into this level of forgiveness and find this joy!  Yesterday I prayed the Lord's prayer several times -- at Mass and in the rosary -- and each time I said:

Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.

I found myself smiling!  Imagine You, God, forgiving me this much!  Alleluia!

Simple Obedience

It's been interesting since I DECIDED to change my heart! :-)

I emailed good friends to see about getting together, and before the first day was even started, another friend called to ask me to meet her at a fast food place for lunch that very day.

That afternoon, a couple young mothers at the theater started chatting, and we all went into a faith sharing moment!


The next day, a sweet mom hung around a little after dropping off her little one for class, and it happened again.

Of course, the next day Gabi's mom came in for Gabi's classes, and I had to tell her about the blog, and how Gabi inspired me. We were both close to tears with that!

God is so sweet!  He asks me to do something (like just shake off  the self-pity and reach out to the people you love and need) and then He gives you a hundredfold in return.

I guess the lessons are always simple.  Obedience to His urgings turns into JOY.  Just like little Gabi was so joy-filled when she lifted her arms that day and said "I just decided to change my heart."  


That's how I feel today.  


No---life is not perfect, not by a long shot, but simple obedience to His will gives such SIMPLE JOY.


Do you have a story like this?

I JUST DECIDED TO CHANGE MY HEART

A few weeks ago, Gabi, a wonderful five-year-old, came in the door of Stone Oak Youth Theatre.  Her mom asked her if she wanted to tell us about the day.

Smiling Gabi told us a story of NOT wanting to leave the play area at McDonald's.  That being an area of contention they were working on, she told us, "I just decided to change my heart.  I wanted to stay and play, but I just stopped, and thought, and decided to obey."

This moment, this comment, has had my mental attention for weeks.

~~~

So yesterday, I found myself on a self-pity pot.  Now that the busyness of wedding planning was behind me, I was growing more aware of my isolation from friends. I missed the prayer group friends in St Louis, I missed my ACTS sisters from St Francis.  I am so busy helping Maryclaire at the theater, teaching piano lessons, taking Grandma to her things, and trying to be a good wife to Jerry.  I haven't had time -- or made the time to connect with my friends.

I went into a hole, if you know what I mean.  Nothing could cheer me.  Jerry and I went to morning Mass, we stopped at the grocery together, I just got grumpier and sadder, even angry.  I came home and lay down on the bed, almost determined to be depressed, to sleep all day, to blame the world for my loneliness.

But Gabi's words interrupted my thoughts.

"I just decided to change my heart."

I lay there a while, and let the words permeate my own heart.

I got up. 

I announced it to Jerry, who was, of course, delighted. :-)  

We went out for an afternoon of exploring Johnson City, something I had wanted to do for some time now.  

I decided it's up to me to call people and get back into life.

I just decided to change my heart.

In Johnson City, we toured the LBJ Texas White House, and as I read museum posts, I saw LBJ himself in a different light.  In the 60s many of us blamed the VietNam war on him.  I had not known about his life, his lifelong commitment to civil rights and education.  

That was a change of heart.

In the evening, I found myself talking to a woman who had been very cold the last time we were together.  She mentioned that she had been coming down with the flu back then, and was barely functioning when I had seen her that night.

The truth changed my heart about her behavior that evening. 

~~~

Little Gabi, thank you.

I never want to forget this.

It's up to me.

I just need to DECIDE to change my heart.